Split the damn check!

Last night, some friends of mine and I went to the legendary Blue Bird Cafe to hear another friend of ours perform.  (She’s a phenomenal singer-song writer and I love her stuff.  But, I hate it when she does that song at the end about her mother growing old and going to the hospital.  It gets me every time.)  As you may know, it’s a tiny venue with decor that apparently hasn’t been updated since it opened.  Still, a nice place to go for local talent.  My bitch is that they won’t divide up the checks and that they include the tip.  (We were only a party of five at our table.)

Refusing to split the check up is stupid, arrogant and really bad customer service.  I generally boycott places that won’t do it.  That’s why I haven’t been to Lot 7 Radius 10 in the Gulch for dinner.  Their website says they won’t split checks.

Why not do it?  A $5 calculator would enable them to to the math.  Most modern restaurants have fairly sophisticated computer systems that would make it easy to do.  Having split checks allows everyone at the table to pay with their own method and eliminates having to scrounge up change.  Refusing to do so shifts the hassle from the restaurant to the restaurant’s customers.  They should be wanting to make it easy for me to spend my money there, not harder.

It’s simple.  Split the damn check.

 

What not to say

Let’s suppose you know someone who was in the hospital for an extended stay, 144 days for example.  For whatever reason, during their stay,  you never visited them.  First, understand that while most people in the hospital like that want all the visitors they can get, they also know that people can have many reasons for not visiting – time, discomfort with hospitals, etc.  When that person gets out and you see them at a social function, that’s not the time to let your guilt overwhelm you and apologize for not showing up.  It’s awkward.  The former patient can only say something forgiving.  Your excuse will make them uncomfortable.  And, at least internally, they’ll be evaluating it.  Just don’t do it.  Instead, express limited interest in their progress and happiness that they are out.  Don’t suggest stretches or exercises to supplement their occupational or physical therapy routines.  They are working with trained professionals.  Be encouraging; be supportive and just move on.

 

It ain’t easy being green . . . really

I thought it was good for the environment if I recycled, then I read this article on the 8 great myths of waste disposal:

Recycling is a manufacturing process with environmental impacts. Viewed across a wide spectrum of goods, recycling sometimes cuts pollution, but not always. The EPA has examined both virgin paper processing and recycled paper processing for toxic substances and found that toxins often are more prevalent in the recycling processes.

Often the pollution associated with recycling shows up in unexpected ways. Curbside recycling, for example, requires that more trucks be used to collect the same amount of waste materials. Thus, Los Angeles has 800 rubbish trucks rather than 400, because of its curb-side recycling. This means more iron ore and coal mining, steel and rubber manufacturing, petroleum extraction and refining-and of course extra air pollution in the Los Angeles basin.

Then I thought I could be a good green by eating organic foods.  Now I learn that may not be the case:

Soil management by farmers is important. Tillage practices can have a major effect on the levels of soil CO₂ emissions.

Organic agriculture controls weeds primarily by ploughing. The microbial respiration rate is increased every time a plough churns up the soil. When compared to no-tillage, mould-board ploughing doubles CO₂ emissions from the soil.

Along with microbial production of CO₂, tractors burn huge amounts of diesel fuel pulling metal ploughs through the soil. Research has shown that a conversion to no-tillage practices can save up to 32 litres/hectare. With no-tillage farming practiced over millions of hectares, there is a huge reduction in the amount of CO₂ produced by tractors.

Surely I show I care more for the environment by walking and leaving my car at home, right?  Perhaps not:

Walking does more than driving to cause global warming, a leading environmentalist has calculated.

Food production is now so energy-intensive that more carbon is emitted providing a person with enough calories to walk to the shops than a car would emit over the same distance. The climate could benefit if people avoided exercise, ate less and became couch potatoes. Provided, of course, they remembered to switch off the TV rather than leaving it on standby.

Of course I’ve provided only snippets of the linked articles.  And of course none of these things are absolutes.  My point is that going green, being environmentally friendly or saving the earth is neither easy nor obvious.  At one time we were told to always choose paper over plastic to keep our land fills from over flowing.  Another time we are told that choosing paper causes the loss of too many trees.  Unless I sit naked under a tree which I do not tend, how can I be sure my efforts sufficiently pay homage to the earthly womb from whence we came?

 

Etiquette question

Last Saturday, I attended an event at a house belonging to a friend of mine. During the course of the evening, an etiquette question arose that we could not answer. Here’s the scenario. The party was being held at the home of Mike and Paul. Mike owns the house. Paul is his roommate. Evan and Charlie, a dating couple who maintain separate households, asked Paul if they could hold a party at his and Mike’s place in honor of mutual friend Nancy’s recent successful defense of her dissertation. Paul agrees, then informs Mike. Mike, being somewhat anal, spends a great deal of time making sure the house is clean and buys some back up alcohol and a couple of snacks. Mike also invites two friends from work. Evan and Charlie send out the email invitations, prepare food for the event, arrive early for set up and stay late for clean up.

During the event, five people came through the door with bottles of wine in their hand. One handed the bottle to Nancy. The others either handed the bottles to Mike or just placed them on the counter.

Who gets the wine, the host, the organizers or the honoree? How do you decide? (Nobody is arguing about it and its not like the wine is Lafite Rothschild. We’re just wondering if there is some rule to apply here.)

 

Re: The North Pole

Dear Mr. Putin:

You can’t have it.

Sincerely,

The rest of  the World

 

Oh crap

This morning as I stood staring out the front window with my comfortably hot mug of coffee and Bailey’s in hand contemplating a beautiful summer day, I saw one of my neighbors out walking his new puppy. It was a cute little thing, white and orange with a long tail and feet too big for its body. Then while my neighbor stood with his hand down the back of his ratty gym shorts scratching his ass, the puppy did his business. From my vantage point I could see that this squat was leaving a small pile of brown poo just across the walk from my door.

What does my neighbor do? Continue scratching his ass (seriously dude, consider some ointment or something) then walk off. WTF!! You might be a new dog owner but you should know some basics. Dog manners 101 – Pick Up Your Dog’s Shit. And it’s not just good manners, it’s the law. From the Metro Code:

8.04.180 Removal of excrement.

 

A dog owner shall clean up and remove any excrement left by his or her dog(s) on any public property or private property not owned or lawfully possessed by the dog owner. Violations of this section shall be punishable by a fifty-dollar fine.

 

Pork – Bribing us with our own money

Politicians use pork barrel projects to buy votes. Doesn’t that mean their are taking our money from us so that they can use it to buy our votes? The one who just lets me keep my money will get my vote.

 

On being a good party guest

I had about 20  folks over for a cookout on the 4th.  Having done quite a bit of entertaining in the past, I’ve come up with a few suggestions on how to be a good party guest.  All suggestions arise out of actual experience:

1. Bring your brain inside with you.  Yes, even though it’s a party and adult beverages will be served, you still need to be able to think through some of your actions.

2. The big orange ice chest full of ice has been placed in the corner near the alcohol for a reason.  The freezer can’t possibly make enough ice for the party.  Get your ice out of the conveniently located cooler.

3. When you are finished with your plate/cup/napkin/beer bottle/rib bone, do not just leave it in the first spot you can drop your hand.  If it’s disposable, throw it away.  (Checking first to make sure the host doesn’t reuse these things (yuk) is not a bad idea.)  If it’s not disposable, somewhere in the kitchen is a probably a good choice.  If it isn’t obvious, ask.

4. If you bring a cake you have baked and have placed it in a shoe box for transport, first put a dish under the cake so it can be lifted out of the box.  Cutting a cake in a shoe box is awkward and a large box labeled “Red Wing Work Boot” on the table just doesn’t look right.

5. Never, ever light a cigarette, cigar, pipe or joint inside unless you have received specific permission from the host to do so.

6. If you go outside to smoke, note the sand filled flower pot near the front door with a couple of cigarette butts already in it.  That’s where your cigarette butt should go, not ground onto the front porch or steps.

7. Do not change the music just because you don’t care for the song currently playing.

8. Think about proportionality.  If you know the party will have about 20 people, don’t bring enough of whatever amazing dish you made based on your grandmother’s recipe that she shared with you on her death bed for 50.  It takes up too much space and the host is stuck with lots of leftovers to throw away.

9.  If you spill something, clean it up.

10. If you break something, immediately take responsibility for it.

11. Never, ever place a cup or bottle on the furniture, or any other surface for that matter, without a coaster under it.  I don’t care if someone just placed their drink on the one you were using.

12. Never snoop in the host’s closet, drawers or medicine cabinet.  Whatever is in there is none of your damn business.

13. Unless you are staying to have sex with the host and are pretty sure he is on board with that, leave at a reasonable hour.

14. If you are staying to have sex with the host, help clean up.  It will make him less tired and get you on to the follow-up festivities faster.

15.  When you leave (either that night or in the morning), thank your host for a lovely time.  An email or call the next day expressing the same sentiment is also a nice touch.  Etiquette requires a hand written Thank You note to be mailed very soon after the party.   I think that’s a bit much unless its a really swanky affair (or the after party sex with the host was so mind blowingly awesome you want to memorialize your appreciation in writing).

 

Embarrassing

All of those folks expressing glee at the Rev. Jerry Falwell’s death should be ashamed of themselves.  Didn’t their mothers teach them any manners?  Rev. Falwell was in many ways a negative influence, in my opinion, on American politics.  But, not everything he did was bad or done with malicious intent.  Tap dancing on the barely cold body of a dead minister lacks class.

 

Mom always said . . .

For as long as I can remember, my mother has had two pieces of wisdom that I’ve heard hundreds of times. The first one was, “You’ve got to make excuses for people. You never know why they act the way they do.” That has been a difficult nugget to hold on to. When people do stupid or mean things, or at least things I see as stupid or mean, I tend to want to call them on it and perhaps call them a few names. She would always suggest that they might be having a bad day or they might be distracted. Her patience with others is enduring.

The other bit of wisdom could follow when the first one didn’t pan out. “It takes all kind of people to make a world.”

How true.